You’re stupid, mean & inconsiderate… But somehow, you’re still the smartest, kindest & randomly thoughtful person I’ve met.
What do all those girls have that I don’t? What is it that you’re looking for? Do YOU even know? Maybe tomorrow will be better and filled with better thoughts— those which you aren’t in.

Also, med school twinges STOP. Help me find something that I’m good at! Please!

Perhaps it’s juvenile to start this tumblr in anonymity, but at this point, any release is a good one. 

I’m in one of my favorite cities in the world, enamored by the jaw-dropping sites of the… OH WAIT. Haven’t even been able to reach those sites yet in the last FOUR days that I’ve been here. I have two days left, and must fit everything that I’ve wanted to do in such a short amount of time.  I just hope that I’m a better hostess.  I hope I can accommodate my guest and their desired itineraries more than I’ve been allowed these last few days.  Don’t get me wrong— I’ve had a good time.  But I think I’m just yearning for change, by seeking the familiar.  My life has been so weird lately that I just needed one of those moments of travel in which I really felt like I did it on my own. Like, even if I’m going to the exact same monument… the exact same look-out point… I can feel a nostalgic feeling for the things passed, while still feeling a new sensation as if I’m looking at this for the first time.  There’s nothing quite like travel in that there really is nothing more important than the present moment, regardless of whether or not you’ve been to this destination before. 

Waaaah. I think I need to branch out of my comfort zone and do it on my own it seems. 

Can I also mention that I can’t shake these thoughts about a certain someone? This is so juvenile that I can’t even tell him to his face, in fear of rejection… Even though, I feel that I’ve endured this rejection from him day in and day out.  I don’t even know exactly what it is I find so attractive about him. Perhaps it’s the familiarity, or his gentle and peaceful soul, his smarts, his humility, his gentleman-like charm, his simplicity.  Any girl would kill to be the one for which he changes his relationship status for the first time, so I have no idea why I’m even plopping myself into that category with the rest of them.  I’m gonna look at this post in a few days, a few months, or even a few years and realize… damn. Stupid girl thinks stupid thoughts about amazing boy. 

But that’s just it. Why is it always me to blame? Is it because I’m the only one that I can control? Is it because I feel so helpless when he doesn’t even seem to notice me? Is it because I’ve tried to pull all the stops for him, when he moves at a snails pace to reciprocate a mere friendship? He’s leaving in about a month and a half to go to school out state for 4 years, what could I possibly expect anyway?

I’ve always wondered what he felt about me, in all honesty.  This may most likely be one of those “He’s Just Not That Into You” situations where the girl evaluates every miniscule detail in hopes of finding any shred of possibility that he might just feel the same way.  WHY DON’T YOU FEEL THE SAME? and if you do, WHY CAN’T YOU SHOW ME? Is it me? Is it something I said? Or did? Or felt? I thought our last day together was perfect. I never felt more comfortable with you.

You said you KNEW me. HIGHLY doubtful, if you can’t even confront these feelings that I’ve had for you for over 5 years. I’ve always had the biggest crush on you. For a genius, you sure are dense.

Why can’t you see? And if you do, why can’t you do something about it? Anything? Am I not worth the time? the effort? Why do you entertain those other girls that have treated your heart like a plaything when you can’t even give me such a glance. I miss the days when we’d see each other everyday, because then I could at least be reassured that our friendship was as strong as ever. Now I feel like it’s just all in my head. I want to tell you how I feel, but I don’t even have the words.

If I had to try, this is what I’d hope to say:

Dear ______,

I admire you, and I’ve always admired you. You’ve always had this special place in my heart and in my mind, and I look at you with the sweetest fondness. I know I made some mistakes in the past by not telling you my feelings, but I don’t want to do that again… I don’t want to do that ever again.  

I wish you could feel these feelings for me too. I see so much potential in this friendship of ours to grow into something more. But honestly, sometimes I question your ability to dedicate yourself to a mere friendship.  I have been hurt in the past, and don’t know how much patience I have for someone that doesn’t have much experience with relationships and girlfriends.

I am a girl. I am a young woman. I am a traveler. I am a hoper. I am a believer. I am loyal and faithful, devoted and true.  I love with everything that I’ve got, and nothing less.  I am growing. I am strong. I am daring. I am brave. I am shy. I am outgoing. I am reserved. I am ambitious. I am inquisitive. I am a friend— a good one, if not the best.

Despite all of this, when you look at me, notice me, smile at me, talk to me— all I am, is falling in love with you. Yet you don’t see. You don’t see the smile I make at the very thought of you.  You don’t feel my heartbeat or the adrenaline when you send me a text message. You don’t know the disappointment that I feel when it isn’t me that you choose… when you haven’t really even chosen at all.

I know when you’re flirting, when you like someone that isn’t me, when I surprise you with something you didn’t know that I knew about you. I know the type of jokes you’d think would be funny. I know the songs you would like, the foods you adore, the places you’ve been, the dreams that you hold. I know all of these things, and wish you could know just one thing about me. I wish you could know just what I feel about you.

You did say that you knew me, after all.